Name: Jared
His Age: 24
My Age: 17
Where: living room of his house, shithole home town, Florida.
I arranged the loss of my virginity. It was void of intimacy as well as pleasure.
Jared was hot though and in my narrow and desperate for approval mind, that was the only thing that was important.
We met at Brandon’s 18th birthday party, in Holiday. It was the kind of birthday party where we actually ate cake and played board games. There wasn’t even alcohol until Jared, James and Frankie rolled though.
Jared was the hottest but James was the one I ended up talking to. Jared only got my number because James’ phone was dead. Jared was the shortest but Frankie had a lazy eye and bad attitude and James’ was a country boy, sporting a broken leg.
I didn’t have my own cell phone until I went away to college pretty much but Jared texted me when I had my Dad’s; hidden under the blankets of my bed when I was supposed to be asleep.
We arranged a hang out, Jared and I. And I knew he was going to take my virginity because we had talked about. He had asked me if I was a virgin, and I, ignorantly had answered him honestly. He had teased me about it and told me that he didn’t know anyone my age that hadn’t had sex yet. He asked me if I was religious, and I said no, although I had recently been going to a methodist youth group in the hopes of catching christian fever.
The short of it is, he got me to agree to lose my virginity to him and one Saturday afternoon in July, him and James came to scoop me from my parents house. We drove to their shared house in Holiday and sat around lazily all day playing Call of Duty and smoking weed.
This is where I saw my first display of male genitalia in the form of “humor”. It was a singular ball, squeezed in the zipper portion of James’ jeans. Fucking repulsive.
When James and his other friend had left the house to go ride motorcycles, Jared made his move. I had been lounging in a reclining armchair of sorts, larger than average in both length and width, Jared climbed onto me and started making out with me. I had zero experience with kissing beyond an awkward french kiss with Samuel Scherffius in Jenna Montana’s hot tub at that party where Dale Ward went streaking down the driveway but I didn’t find it terrible…or terribly enjoyable.
Jared needed minimal stimulation to get erect and paid next to no attention to my body. In fact, there’s a very good chance my shirt remained on the entire time.
He asked me if I had ever sucked a dick before and I answered him honestly.
Not being naive, despite my lack of experience, I saw the jubilation on his face and knew what he was going to say before he did.
“It’s okay, it’s easy., he said, pushing my head down gently, “it’s just like licking a popsicle.”
“But i like to bite popsicles” i said deviously, while beginning an era of self-degradation and sexual deviance.
I don’t remember how long I sucked his dick for before he rolled on top of me and painlessly took my virginity.
I do remember him lasting less than sixty seconds and me feeling completely robbed and lied to by every single person, film, or literary portrayal of deflowering.
I don’t remember what happened after James got back. I’m sure I hung around as long as I could before having to go back to my average life I felt absolutely no regard or desire for.
How Not to Fuck 